I realise I have been away too long! Almost a month. What to do? There's been lots pulling your heart and mind in different directions, dragging distractions, digressions and devils to deal with, to come to terms with, on a daily basis.
"No ...no more of lamenting now. I have done enough of it," she thought. In fact, have spent the better part of the day or the last few days doing just that. "But this is my night, my space, my time ...just for me!"
"I so wanna vent it out. Now that I am here, and after the longest time, I'm in a mood to pour my heart out, with none of the trappings or seivings to match the standards set by the world to bother me. And so this is my night. Just like the good ol' days when I could do things I liked when I wanted, the way I wanted. Without worrying about light from the laptop and the sound of typing bothering someone, disturbing someone's sleep, accompanied with unsought rude comments.
"My room. My space. Where, when and why did I lose it along the way? To conform to a model, cause its expected or cause I have simply been too good too long and taken for granted. Or I made the wrong choices in life. I guess I did. Big deal. I am human. I can and have made errors in judgement. And I have derided myself enough for the day, regretted and at the same time repeated to myself I have the courage to live with my mistakes, to improve where I can and to accept too what I can't. Afterall, I have got to see so much so soon."
So yes, the day has been of laments and learnings -some just repeated to myself. "How strongly I could dislike what I love. How distant were the ones so close. How hollow is the holiness of the institution. How all that glitters is not gold. How basic human respect was the dearest thing. How far-sighted our parents are and how indebted our lives are to them. And many more." Did I mention realizations? Oh yes, in plenty again. "While I was trying to rebuild on the ghosts of an abused relationship, damaged ego, demolished sense of respect for women, trust inspite of abundant lies and broken promises, there he was testing waters yet again with some heavyduty flirting, if the charms still worked, despite the most sacred union. Some unabashedness!"
Also, that once in a while, its okay to be dependant on your elders when you can't deal with the stuff on your own, even when you are an adult who believes you can handle-it-all. Perhaps, I need this.
Thats all for today . Lets see what tomorrow holds for me.
"But this is my night. And here I am. Loving every bit of it!"