This is my night!

I realise I have been away too long! Almost a month. What to do? There's been lots pulling your heart and mind in different directions, dragging distractions, digressions and devils to deal with, to come to terms with, on a daily basis.

"No ...no more of lamenting now. I have done enough of it," she thought. In fact, have spent the better part of the day or the last few days doing just that. "But this is my night, my space, my time ...just for me!"

"I so wanna vent it out. Now that I am here, and after the longest time, I'm in a mood to pour my heart out, with none of the trappings or seivings to match the standards set by the world to bother me. And so this is my night. Just like the good ol' days when I could do things I liked when I wanted, the way I wanted. Without worrying about light from the laptop and the sound of typing bothering someone, disturbing someone's sleep, accompanied with unsought rude comments.

"My room. My space. Where, when and why did I lose it along the way? To conform to a model, cause its expected or cause I have simply been too good too long and taken for granted. Or I made the wrong choices in life. I guess I did. Big deal. I am human. I can and have made errors in judgement. And I have derided myself enough for the day, regretted and at the same time repeated to myself I have the courage to live with my mistakes, to improve where I can and to accept too what I can't. Afterall, I have got to see so much so soon."

So yes, the day has been of laments and learnings -some just repeated to myself. "How strongly I could dislike what I love. How distant were the ones so close. How hollow is the holiness of the institution. How all that glitters is not gold. How basic human respect was the dearest thing. How far-sighted our parents are and how indebted our lives are to them. And many more." Did I mention realizations? Oh yes, in plenty again. "While I was trying to rebuild on the ghosts of an abused relationship, damaged ego, demolished sense of respect for women, trust inspite of abundant lies and broken promises, there he was testing waters yet again with some heavyduty flirting, if the charms still worked, despite the most sacred union. Some unabashedness!"

Also, that once in a while, its okay to be dependant on your elders when you can't deal with the stuff on your own, even when you are an adult who believes you can handle-it-all. Perhaps, I need this.

Thats all for today . Lets see what tomorrow holds for me.
"But this is my night. And here I am. Loving every bit of it!"

Ciao.............

The best thing in life is …

The BEST thing in life is …

That it flows ...it doesn’t stop …

No clear beginning, middle or end,

that a moment later ‘this moment’ becomes ‘that moment’.

That I take it all with amazement!

That every night is pregnant with the new morn.

That there’s a smile hidden in every frown.

That smiles widen into giggles,

and laughter into tears strewn,

that the small things make the bigger undone.

That the suspense is thrilling,

the pain is killing,

and the sweet taste of winning,

that it embraces you unawares.

That heartbreaks heal,

you give in to desires,

that love engulfs the anger,

that you make lifelong friends outta strangers.

That some good cause will bear effect.

That wanderers will be back to the nest.

That if it brings you to the sorrows,

it showers happiness too in the morrow.

That nothing is constant, this too shall pass.

That this flow carries hope in its heart

To push to extremes and keep burning bright.

That we have the FAITH to hold on to tight.

That every new experience makes you gain.

That my search isn’t in vain!

That if now it’s the winter, SPRING can’t be far behind.

That I have found some meaning, life has been kind.

Images : Google Images

This post is a part of Write Over the Weekend, an initiative for Indian Bloggers by BlogAdda

Keeping my fingers crossed ...

Keeping my fingers crossed...

The break is on …

The hunt is on …

I take in all that comes my way

Keeping my fingers crossed…

The late waiting mornings

The sobbing silent nights

Escape! to create my own sunshine

Keeping my fingers crossed…

I slip, I fail

Drowned in my wails

Rise again from the ashes

Keeping my fingers crossed…

Fettered with bruises - verbal and acts

Wallow in self-pity

Strive to create my own special place

Keeping my fingers crossed…

Some things to do

More to be undone

Ready with open arms

Keeping my fingers crossed...

Ensnared by masked sways of the world

the idiot-box-phillic ways 

Now, to widening my creative horizons

Keeping my fingers crossed...

Lessons learnt

Revised and re-determined

On way to imbibe, wear the guidance as skin

Keeping my fingers crossed...

Frowns and puckered brows

The dark wet lines below the eyes

Make way for the smile, keep the faith alive

Keeping my fingers crossed...

Peel off the layers I loathe

Hail the Conviction and Confidence!

Start the music and do my own dance

Keeping my fingers crossed...

This post is a part of Write Over the Weekend, an initiative for Indian Bloggers by BlogAdda Images courtesy: Google images

करामात -Karamaat

आज फिर तनहा बैठे बैठे
जज़्बात की आंधी सी चली

दिल को इस क़द्र बेआसरा देख
अक्ल ने आख़िर धर दबोचा
मौके का फायदा उठाया
सवालात की आंधी सी चली

पर्दा दर पर्दा उठाया
रंगारंग तमाशा शुरू
रिश्तों को बेनक़ाब किया
हालात की आंधी सी चली

दिल दहला नहीं है अब तक
सब्र और ताक़त है बाक़ी
समय का चक्का घुमाया
करामात की आंधी सी चले

image courtesy : google images

Just a thought..........

Just a thought ...

To know or not to know ...
Strange are the ways of the world
To align or not to align ...
Strange are the sways of the world
...



Thus conscience does make cowards of us all!

My first piece of writing…

I think I always had it in me …the hunger and the hunar to write, but the manifestation happened pretty late (if you talk it all out, what will be left to write :)). Nah, I am not in a self complimenting mood today, just got reminded of my first piece of writing, real writing – not in school or college, but quite in the virtual world for everyone to see. It wasn’t ‘to the editor’ letter. It wasn’t a blog. Nor a status update. It was a description of myself on a matrimonial site!! I had always shied away from such descriptions till then. I mean how I can go on eulogizing myself, flouting all rules of modesty! It was a bouncer! Since I thought I was ready to take the plunge, I had to do it.

It was essential to complete my registration, so I decided to come back and finish it after giving some thought to it. And pretty thought I gave to it! Suddenly, describing yourself or what you have done, for a job interview, seemed easy. I wracked my brains, it was a question of my life and life partner, afterall. And the end product was decent and handsome too, or so I thought then!

Like all such profiles, it started with all the nice things and then a statutory warning “And all those good things don’t mean there are no grey areas – I do have them and well grey cells too, in plenty!...” so on and so forth. Pluses, minuses, and a dash of humour and I felt content to post it hoping to get the interest of someone with whom ‘I’ll be taking this journey of life forward’ – oh that, by the way, is the expression I picked up from the numerous profiles I sifted through on the matrimonial site! Feeling pretty smug at the way mine had shaped up, I ended the registration and started the wait to find ‘my special someone’.

Not half a dozen hours had passed, the curiosity got the better of me and there I was confidently checking my profile, not realising it takes eons of effort and time, at times, to meet your soulmate, like they say, you have to kiss many frogs to find your prince!

My confidence didn’t let me down and there I had quite quite a few ‘interests shown’ messages popping up and even comments like ‘wow! nice profile’, ‘pretty interesting description’ etc. Still, the interesting profile did not lead me to show interest in any. Realising it was too soon to be counting my chicken, I logged out of my profile to wait some more. The search had just begun and you bet I was hopeful, optimistic to the core.

A week passed before I went back to it and there were still more compliments waiting for me and of course, lot more interests too. And then it became a constant affair – people gushing over the way I had described myself and me blushing! There would be comments like, “What a riveting read it was!”, “I couldn’t stop myself from going through your entire profile and it was fascinating!” “What a way of putting things …describing yourself” etc etc. For some strange reason, I started enjoying those as if these were valuable prizes I was getting after participating in a competition. Honestly, I think I looked forward to those. I felt important, self satisfied, at the expression of my talent, at the same time realising that this isn’t what I came here for. But what the heck! I’ll find a partner sooner or later but let me enjoy this attention for now. I’ll meet him when the heavens have ordained.

How I wish I had a copy of that description with me right now which I used to read and reread and couldn’t help a conceited grin when someone complimented me on how fascinating, mesmerizing it read. I am pretty sure the hand written copy must be lying somewhere buried in my notes. One of these days when I find it, I will surely post it here.
The search had been disappointing but I started believing I had it in me to write and why the manifestation took so long is another story…





image courtesy : google images